Strength

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Temptation, Weakness, Will, Conviction, and Strength will all be words looked into with the thoughts that are about to be recorded, but strength is the one I'm hoping to focus on most.  

As a teenager, I was a model of restraint.  I will grant that was mostly because I was too scared to let myself do anything even remotely risky, but I was able to play that off as being a good boy who just resisted all temptations.  Finally, I got sick of being a good boy and not letting myself be free, so I splurged on freedom for a long time.  By the time I recognized what had happened I was too far gone to simply just make a choice to go back to restraint.  I had let myself indulge pleasures and give in to spontaneous whims for far too long to even know what to do with them anymore.  I played this off as me just being more of a 'free spirit', but that's not what it was/is.  It was/is weakness.  A lack of conviction brought to a point where I fed on any desire I had.  I was mostly a good man, so it went unnoticed for a long time.

Finally, the day came where the years of molding myself into something that was far too moldable finally bit me.  It took losing something of vast importance to me to finally see what I really lost.  And as important and cherished as what I first lost was, what I finally came to realize I had lost is so much greater.  I had lost my strength, my will, my conviction, my heart.  I had given so much of my heart to things that could chew it up--and in many circumstances, did--that I had little left to be steadfast with.

I now recognize my moments of weakness; I see the moments where temptation thinks it has an opening and tries to break through the line.  I have a much greater defense now though: awareness.  The bond forged by awareness and an infinite pool of Godly strength just waiting to be tapped will protect me long enough to allow regeneration.  That is a promise given to me that I plan to focus on for a while.  Even though I've made mistake after mistake and given too much of myself away to things that it was probably unwise to do so, God promises a renewal of chewed up, broken, shattered and lost hearts.  

Some of you will read this and many thoughts will flow through your mind.  Ignore those for just one second and hear me.  There is not one of you that I don't cherish and love.  Each of you have your own role in my life and I regret nothing.  I have made mistakes with all of you and for them I am sorry.  Understand I am attempting to the best I can with the bed that I have made for myself.  I am attempting to be a humble, convicted, steadfast man of God.  I will slip up, but I am asking for your help along the way.

In any case, back to the thoughts that some of you may be having.  Always will no matter what.  That's not just a phrase, I actually mean it every time I say it.  Thank you for the way you love me and despite what you think I do love you too.  Thank you for never leaving.  Thank you for keeping me accountable.  Thank you for caring enough to read this far :).

For those of you that don't read this.  You mean everything to me and if it wasn't for you I would be at a loss and probably on a corner somewhere.  You were the first to prove to me you loved me and the one that has always been there for me no matter what reminding me that no matter how much I love you that you love me more.  I love you more than anything in this world.  Thank you for always supporting me and never missing anything that was important to me.  You have been the model of consistency in my life and you keep me from doing anything too stupid.  Thank you for showing me how to laugh and smile and be outgoing.  Thank you for showing me how to love a family member.

And for you.  You already know.  I have taken you for granted the most.  I sometimes go months without even so much as acknowledging you then have the nerve to come and ask you for a favor.  You are the one to which I can give nothing, but owe everything.  You are my sight, my compass, my strength.